LINCOLN, NE — When he was a child, 22 year-old University of Nebraska graduate student Joseph "Doe" (Joe declined to give his last name based upon the almost certain assumption that readers would just intentionally mispronounce it anyway) thought that racial stereotypes were hurtful and, like most all perks not related to basketball skill, reserved only for the white man.

However, upon realizing that he too can disenfranchise people based purely upon their race and/or ethnicity, the born-and-raised Nebraska native says he finally realizes what a valuable asset racism really is.

"When I was growing up I used to hate how all of my classmates assumed I was great at subjects like Math and Science simply because I was Asian," Joe explained, "but now that I realize that I can just as easily label all black people as living off of the government tit, people of Hispanic descent as making the best maids, and white people as being generally the best at everything other than Math, Science, living off the government tit, and being maids, I wonder how I ever got by without racism."

Joe, who now readily admits that he really is awesome at Math and Science, said he was tipped off in regards to his own sovereign right to belittle those different from himself during his Freshman year of college.

"I was sitting in a Media Literacy course my second semester of college, playing Sudoku of course, when my Professor showed us a clip of Chapelle's Show," Joe said. "I remember thinking to myself, this guy is black and he is still making fun of other races. Maybe I can be racist too...this is awesome!"

When asked to weigh the pros and cons of becoming racist, Joe said there was no comparison between the two.

"I'm so much more efficient and secure in my own identity now that I know can I write-off people without even knowing them," he claimed.

"Before I would try and evaluate people as individuals and now I can just call an Indian an alcoholic, an Arab for tech support, or a white person a racist Republican and call it a day."

And the downside?

"I guess maybe sometimes I hurt people's feelings but, honestly, who cares what those spaghetti-loving, gangster Italians think anyways?"

When asked about how he plans to take his new found racism with him into the workplace following graduation, Joe, who is (you guessed it) planning on teaching Math at the junior college level, said he planned on simply integrating his racist views into the classroom.

"I'm probably going to begin each day with a short disclaimer about how it's okay if all of the non-Asian students copy their homework and tests off of the Asian students," he said. "As an Asian-American who is awesome at Math, I think the non-Asian students will really appreciate how in touch I am with their inability to process concepts that don't revolve around using their inherently larger penises to attract potential suitors."

While his discovery of racism has certainly led to Joe becoming a more well-rounded person, even he admits that sometimes he feels as if he may be missing the big picture.

"Having devoted so much time to developing my racism, I sometimes worry if I'm ignoring other lifestyles of bigotry that may also be beneficial. But then again, I'm gay and I'm not yet sure if gay people can be homophobic."

Here's to hoping Ryan Seacrest can help Joe figure it out...

HOLLYWOOD, CA — After experiencing success stemming from her recent roles in films such as Jennifer's Body (as Megan Fox's only slightly less attractive, geek friend) and Mamma Mia! (who the hell cares?) the 24 year-old budding-star Amanda Seyfried has announced that she will be taking her career in a more focused direction.

"As of today, I plan on pursuing roles only in films in which the main premise revolves around finding true love via traditional mail practices," the Pennsylvania native turned Hollywood darling announced in a press release from her publicist.

Seyfried, whose recent "snail mail features" include Dear John (starring opposite that hot guy from G.I. Joe) and the forthcoming Letters to Juliet (honestly, who the hell cares?) says that while her future is in, "films that honestly depict how true love and the writing of painstakingly long and inefficient letters go hand-in-hand," she isn't narrowing her options in the slightest.

"In addition to only appearing in films about how finding a soul mate is as easy as licking a stamp, I'm also not opposed to hearing ideas for movies which feature the ever-romantic 'message-in-a-bottle' plot line," she explained.

"Even though I never advocate communicating with the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with without first paying proper postage, those can be really romantic too!"

Seyfried and her management team's eternal endorsement of talking to people the slow way can most likely be explained as a result of their recent team-up with the kings of inefficiency - the United States Postal Service.

"On behalf of the United States Postal Service, I want to express how excited we are to be co-producing any and all of Ms. Seyfried's future films about how women who lack a good man are essentially hopeless, and how traditional letters can help prevent such a disaster from occurring," United States Postal Service spokesman Kendall Pratt exclaimed in a press release earlier today.

Although merger's such as the one Ms. Seyfried and USPS have entered into are rare, as she explains, they are quickly becoming an up-and-coming way of doing business in the ever-financially conscious world of Hollywood.

"With the help of USPS, I'm looking forward to putting out as many films as possible within a short period of time. Not unlike the way Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner's respective deals with Abercrombie & Fitch and Vasoline help ensure that the next Twilight film will be released before you can recover from the mind-blowing experience of the previous one, my venture with USPS will ideally assure my fans that I will be in at least three, maybe four, films about romance and letters per year."

The sky certainly seems to be the limit for Ms. Seyfried, but impatient/naggy women and homosexual men are dying to know what's next for USPS' new poster girl.

Coincidentally enough, Seyfried's next film Romance and Letters is currently in pre-production. With that in mind, her hope to quickly release as many films as possible so as to not be forgotten by the ADHD ridden mainstream celebrity media seems to be realized as, in spite of the fact that the script is yet to be completed, the film is scheduled to be released before Summer 2010.

After that, according to the actress, she has an exciting 2011 planned as she has already signed on to star in features such as Love is a Letter, Tell Me You Love Me in Paper Form, and The Physical Address to My Heart.

Regardless of the future, however, for now it seems that neither rain, sleet, nor snow can stop the momentum of Ms. Seyfried's promising career.

ATLANTA, GA — Are you tired of feeling fat? Do you wish the people around you would get fatter so you would seem less fat by comparison? Then KFC, as it so often does, has just what you're looking for.

On Monday, the historically health-conscious fast-food chain will release its all-new, all-meat, "Double Down" sandwich (pictured above) as a way of helping the approximately 34% of adult Americans who are "considered" obese seem less obese by, according to KFC spokeswoman Rebecca Bird, "making a higher percentage of the population obese, or at the very least, considerably overweight."

"The 'Double Down' is our way of saying thanks to the blue-collar Americans who have become grossly unhealthy as a result of a combination of poor eating choices and XBox Live Memberships," Ms. Bird explained.

"For them, being alienated and deemed as weaker individuals has become common-place. What better way for us to give back than to create a sandwich so delicious, so irresistible, so not-on-the-dollar-menu that even the stuck-up healthy elites can't help but indulge?"

While KFC's strategy for curing the disease may seem somewhat unorthodox, there are at least two Georgia natives who are buying what the Colonel is selling.

"I can't wait until those rich bastards get fat as hell," said 25 year-old Atlanta resident Trevor Agee.

According to Agee, an aspiring video-game tester who mistakenly earned a Bachelor's degree from the University of Georgia in something other than a medicine-related field and, as a direct result, now works for minimum wage at a failing video rental chain, he has been "technically obese" since he was 11 and hopes the new, slightly out of his price-range, sandwich will make, "everyone, especially my skinny prick cousin Kendall, at least as fat, if not fatter, than I am."

Whereas Mr. Agee is looking forward to seeing the people around him become visibly larger, successful Atlanta businessman Jeff Ayers says he is eagerly anticipating buying fast-food that "poor people can't afford."

"As long as it's vastly overpriced to the point where it becomes more of a status-symbol and less of a meal then I am in," Mr. Ayers, a proud driver of an Aston-Martin and a Georgia State University graduate who wisely chose to earn his M.B.A. and is now qualified to "boss anyone and everyone around," stated.

"My goal is for people to see me eating this sandwich and instantly become jealous of my overwhelming success," he added.

Amidst this tension between fats and non-fats, according to the KFC spokeswoman Ms. Bird, the "Double Down" was developed for the purpose of "uniting the haves and the have-nots via a single common trait - the inability to wear the same clothes they wore last summer."

In the end, whether you think of KFC as being a fast-food titan that profits from the increasing fatness of a nation or as a piece of Americana capable of bridging the classes the fact remains the same - the Colonel has done it again.

The "Double-Down" will be available at KFC's nation-wide beginning Monday, April 12th. Prices may vary according to location, depending upon average median income, so as to ensure that poor people will stick with the value menu except for perhaps on pay-day.

CAPITOL HILL — While Vice President Joe Biden's dropping of the ever-versatile "F-bomb" during Tuesday's Health Care Signing Ceremony may have surprised millions of television viewers, according to those who know "The Bide" (a nickname he reportedly bestowed upon himself shortly after not blowing the election for President Obama) best, the act of getting caught up in the moment is not a new one for the sitting Vice President.

"When I heard about it I wasn't surprised at all," said Biden's oldest son, Beau. "I was actually more surprised that he didn't try to 'chest bump' with the President," he continued.

After checking a text message, a video message from his father of two dogs getting it on in a park, Beau began to tell of his adolescence.

"He used to make me chest bump with him in between innings when I played baseball in middle school. I would say, 'Dad, I just struck out...not now.' Nevertheless, he still insisted on bumping chests. Talk about embarrassing. I mean, I guess it's nice that he wanted to encourage me but honestly enough is enough. Needless to say, I didn't play in high school."

When asked about his father's tendency to get "all fired up over nothing," another Biden boy - son Hunter - echoed his brother's sentiments.

"You want to see my dad get real pissed?" he asked, "then bring up the satellite guide menu when he's trying to watch Pawn Stars on History Channel. Good lord...I'll try to reason with him and say, 'Dad, you've seen the episode with the Russian Nuke Keys ten times plus you have it DVR'd...it's not that big of a deal.'

"His response?" Hunter asks rhetorically, "Other than what the hell's a DVR? Do you really have to ask?"

In an interview on Wednesday afternoon, as wives often do, Biden's wife Jill felt the need to speak on the matter prior to being spoken to. Unable to deny her husband's fiery passion for all things of supreme importance, she remembered a time she brought her husband home a fast food dinner.

"It was 1994 and I was picking up a quick dinner for Joe on my way home from work," she recalled. "I drove through McDonald's and seen that they had this new 'McRib' sandwich so I thought I would give it a shot. I've literally never seen him so happy. Not even on our wedding day. Even now, he waits on pins and needles for McDonald's to bring it back periodically."

"He requested it be on the menu at the Presidential Inaugural Ball," she added.

"That's funny that Jill should mention Joe's love for the sandwich," President Obama responded in an e-mail Thursday morning. "His statement to me on Tuesday morning was actually something to the effect of, 'This isn't the McRib but...' well, you know the rest.

Thursday afternoon Biden declined to respond to allegations that he may, from time to time, blow things out of proportion citing that, "his fingers were too covered in sauce to pick up the phone...and speakerphone was for 'f*#$ing p%$ies.'

So while all evidence seems to indicate that "The Bide" may occasionally make something out of nothing, for now at least, he is keeping his excitement to himself - and his sandwich.

NEW YORK — In celebration of their $201.4 million payroll the New York Yankees passed on the champagne Wednesday night in favor of cold, hard cash.

CAPITOL HILL — After months of condemning health care reform efforts from the left, Senate Republicans have turned to their ace-in-the-hole to deliver their comprehensive rebuttal.

"People need to stop getting sick, it's as simple as that," Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) elegantly stated during a press conference Tuesday morning.

Kentucky's senior Senator went on to defend the Senate GOP's position via large amounts of complex medical data.

"According to our research, the number of people getting sick is pretty high and, as a result, a lot of them have run up quite a medical tab," the Senator explained. "With this in mind, we have concluded that the best way to make health care affordable for everyone is for the general public to become immune to sickness."

Following McConnell's conference, Sen. Sherrod Brown (D-OH), a strong proponent for health care reform, said he agrees with Sen. McConnell that preventative medicine is an important part of personal health, although he questions the GOP plan as a whole.

"I think, in regards to preventative care at least, Sen. McConnell is correct. However, I'm not sure if sending every American citizen to planet Krypton with hopes they will become powered by the Sun like Superman is the most cost efficient way of going about reform."

Sen. McConnell quickly wrote this skepticism off as classic Democratic partisanship.

"I'm not surprised by Sen. Brown's reaction in the slightest," he confirmed. "The Dems hate any idea that isn't their own and, more than that, they hate having fun."

"Going to planet Krypton isn't even that expensive," he added. "It's not like we're proposing everyone take a trip there during the holiday season. We are not ignorant. Everyone would go at a reduced rate towards the end of April when travel is cheap. Plus, our research shows that the weather in Krypton is great that time of year."

When questioned Wednesday morning about who would cover the cost of the reduced rate trip, Sen. McConnell asked critics not to worry about such trivial aspects of the reform.

"Numbers don't matter on Krypton," he explained. "Plus, our research shows that the exchange rate on Krypton is definitely in our favor because the inhabitants of Krypton use the American dollar to wipe their Kryptonian asses. Thus, our money is a valuable asset to them. Get it? It's an asset because they wipe their asses with it," the Kentucky Senator laughed.

President Obama declined to comment on the GOP rebuttal, only offering a deep sigh of regret for having run for the office of President in the first place.